The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

I mean, life is tough.

It takes up a lot of your time.

What do you get at the end of it?

A Death.

What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way.

Then the government pays you Social Security right off the bat.

Then you live in an old age home.

You get kicked out when you're too young.

You get a gold watch and you go to work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.

You become a little baby, you go back into the womb.

You spend your last nine months floating.

You finish off as an orgasm.

Willie Nelson said, "Life's a bitch and then you die!"

An interesting look back 100 years

In the Year 1900

The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the US was twenty-two cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the United States took place at home.

Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard".

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as travelers or immigrants.

The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

Drive-by shootings -- in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy -- were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.

Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals. They recommended slipping a bromide (which was thought to diminish sexual desire) into the women's drinking water.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

Coca-Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine.

Punch-card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 census.

Eighteen percent of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

Remember ?

Recall some of these things by free word association:

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

A

Adventures of Helen Trent

Airmail stamps

Air Raid sirens

Atomic bomb

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

Backyard incinerators (for burning trash)

Bakelite (early plastic)

Bakery delivery truck routes (Helms, etc.)

Beanie & Cecil the Seasick SeaSerpent, Captain Huff'n'puff & The Leakin' Lena

Beatniks

Beehive hairdos

Beer for $1.20 a 6 pack

Bell-bottomed pants (came back)

Black-jack chewing gum.

Blackout drills (WW II)

Blowing paper straw wrappers onto the ceiling

Blue flashbulbs

Bomb shelters in your back yard

Bubble lights on the Christmas tree

Bunny Hop - Dance

Buster Brown Shoe Stores where you put your feet in a standup machine and could look at a live X-Ray of your feet inside the shoes to see if they fit OK

Butch wax

Buying a good used car for $75

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

Campbell's Department Stores - Santa Monica

Candy cigarettes

Carbon paper

Cars simple enough that you could fix them yourself

Chemise (sack) dresses

Cinch belts (a girl thing)

Classic Comics

Cleet Roberts

Coffee Houses like the Insomniac and Positanos

Coffee percolators

Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes (retro)

Cokes at the soda fountain (flavored with lemon or cherry syrup)

Collecting sets of Jelly or Cheese Spread glasses

Comic book stands in every liquor store and drug store

Comic Books as an art form

Cordovan shoes with horseshoe taps

Cork popguns

Crusader Rabbit

Cuffs

Cuffs you rolled up when you rode your bicycle that had no chain guard.

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

DA (Duck's Ass) haircuts (Duck Butt's with a jelly roll)

Day-Glo colored socks and clothes

Disposable wooden spoons and forks (instead of plastic)

Doctors who made house calls

Drive-in movies

Drive-in restaurants (you stayed in your car and were served by carhops)

E

Ed Sullivan Show

Edsels

Ernie Kovack's "Nairobi Trio"

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

Family picnics

Five and Dime (5 & 10 Cent) Stores

Fleers Double-Bubble chewing gum

Flexi-flyers Flexible Flyer Co. made a 4 wheeled laydown steerable 'cart'. We called them "flexies'.

I googled the words "flexible flyer flexies" and came up with a positive hit at your site.  I still have the Flexy that my parents gave me as a Christmas present in 1957 when I was 8 years old.  It sits on the floor in my home office.  I was born and raised in San Francisco and I can't tell you how much fun and joy I got lying on my stomach, head forward (no helmet) and steering my Flexy down the steep sidewalks in my neighborhood.
Did you know that they were manufactured by the S.L. Allen Co. Inc., Philadelphia.  S.L. Allen also made the Planet Junior Gardening Tools. Several years ago, I did a patent search and discovered that the company's patents were now held by some obscure firm located in southern California.

Thanks for the memories.  I was beginning to think that I was the only person whoever heard of Flexies. Darryl Cox

Floods (Levies that ended high above the ankles)

Flourescent suspenders holding up those 12" cuffs on your sharkskin slacks.

Fuses (rather than circuit breakers)

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

Garbage Cans - maggots (pre garbage disposal)

Gasoline rationing

Gasoline prices varied but for a long time it was 25 cents a gallon

Grand Opening of the original DisneyLand

Groceries for under $5.00 for a bag full (lettuce was a nickel)

Gym shoes

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

Harry Owens and His Royal Hawaiians Orchestra

HavaTampa cigars with wood tips

Hi-fi's

Hip huggers

Howdy Doody, Buffalo Bob, Clarabell the Clown & Princess Winterspringsummerfall

Hudson Car

Huge angora dice hung on a cars rear view mirror

Hula Hoop Craze

Ice boxes and ice delivery (pre refrigerator)

Ice cream man (Good Humor - delivery trucks)

Inner tubes in automobile tires

Iron lungs (for polio victims. Scariest things ever)

J - K - L

Johnny Dollar

JuJu Bees

Keds (all canvas topped shoes were called "tennis" shoes)

Knothole Club at Gilmore Field

Korean War

Lava soap

Library paste in a jar (we ate it now and then)

Licorice Twists

Listening to the Radio (Prior To TV)

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

Mail delivery twice a day

Manual toasters

Margarine that came in a plastic bag with a small yellow dye coloring tablet to be broken and massaged into it to make it look like butter

Mary Holliday and Jump Jump

Metal ice trays with levers

Mickey Mouse Club - Mouseketeers

Milk delivered to your home in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers, cream floating at the top.

Milk in waxed cardboard cartons that leaked

Mimeograph paper

Mr. PotatoHead

Mustard plasters to cure a cold

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

Neenies Famous Weinies - Sorrento Beach - Santa Monica, California

Nehru jackets

Newsreels before the movie

No remote controls

Nylons with seams in the back

Oscar and his Wiener mobile

Out house

Ozzie & Harriet

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

P. F. Flyers

Packard Car

Pancake griddles

Party lines

Peashooters

Pedal pushers

Pegger pants

Penny Arcades

Penny gum ball machines

Penny loafers

Penny's cotton workshirts and pocket T's

Peter the Greeter

Pin curls (a girl thing)

Playing cards attached to the fork of your bike with a clothes pin making it sound like a motorbike when they hit the spokes.

Policemen or Firemen you knew (because you were dating their daughter or son)

Polio epidemic

Poodle skirts (a girl thing)

POP Pier (Pacific Ocean Park)

Portable gas heaters (which attached to a hose and stood -unvented - in the room)

Postage stamps (postcards) 1 cent and 3 cents (regular mail)

Posture Foundation sneakers

Q - R

Radio

Radio - Arthur Godfrey's Breakfast Club

Radio - Let's Pretend followed by Grand Central Station

Radio - Tales From the Crypt

Radio - The Green Hornet Radio - The Shadow

Radio soap operas (called soap operas after the soap companies that sponsored them, Oxydol, Palmolive, Duz, Ivory, etc.)

Ration stamps

RC Cola (is that still around?)

Rifle Club in the basement of the Jr. High School

Roi-Tan cigars

Roller skate keys

Roller skates that clamped onto your shoes

Rootie Kazootie

Rumble seats

Running boards on cars

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

S&H Green Stamps

Saddle shoes

Saturday morning 'kids matinees' with serial movies

Sidewalk 'carts' made from an orange crate and a 2x4 with steel skate wheels nailed in the bottom

Sling shots

Smudge pots (Kerosene burning black globes marking road constructions sites - and defrosting citrus crops)

Snapping bottle caps at surf movies

Soda Fountains - "Green River" a lime syrup added to carbonated water at Thrifty Drugstore

Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

Soupy Sales and White Fang and Black Tooth

Spats

Spud Guns

Studebakers

Sunday drivers

Suzy Q fried potato curls at Sweet 16 (malt shop). These have reappeared.

Sweater sets - worn with white collars (a girl thing)

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

Telephone numbers with a word prefix (EXbrook 45348)

Telephone operators (live - who placed your call for you)

The Coasters

Tin foil (saving it in balls)

Tom Mix cap guns

Trolleys

U - V - W

Victrolas (hand cranked record players)

Vietnam

Vinyl 45 RPM records

Walnutos (whatever happened to them?)

Wash tub wringers

Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

World War II

X - Y - Z

Zinc pennies (instead of copper)

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

Miscellaneous

Radios and TVs made with easily replaceable vacuum tubes

The testing machines for vacuum tubes found in many stores

Laundry drying on a clothesline in the backyard

Folding wooden clothes drying racks (floor and wall models)

Pants stretchers (remember? the metal frames Mom shoved down freshly washed pants? They were expandable and kept the drying pants so rigid they could stand up. Kept Mom from having to iron them.) Also stretchers for socks.

Ironing boards built into a wall cabinet (usually in the kitchen)

Paul Winchell & Jerry Mahoney (the best ventriloquist until Jay Thomas)

Captain Video

Juvenile delinquency

Ditching school (playing hooky)

Guys' pants with little buckles in the back (Ivy League)

Candy dots on long paper strips that you bought by the yard

The smell of the cabinet where everyone stashed their lunch bag in elementary school

Huge fat crayons in the first grade

Cod liver oil to cure any illness (and ruin your digestion)

Neehi Orange, Grape and Lime sodas.

Sarsaparilla Cream Soda

Squirt soda

7-11s or Dreamcicles (an orange popsicle with a vanilla ice cream base)

Banana seats on children's bikes

Yo-yo competitions

The first atomic bomb test in New Mexico - Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan

Circuses that pitched their tents and set up carnivals in vacant lots

Circus parades

Phones in only one style and one color (black) - Dial telephones were the only option

TVs only in black and white

Fountain pens and pencils were the only writing option (pre ball point, marker, felt tip, etc.)

Fountain pens had to be filled from an ink well (pre cartridge)

No Freeways or super highways

Hand knitted socks with angora patterns

Jaw breakers (a hard round candy)

Road side vegetable stands (these still exist)

Angora sweaters

Crinolines (starched petticoats that made full skirts stand out)

Radio programs and serials: Edgar Bergen, Charlie MacCarthy, and Mortimer Snerd Fibber Magee and Molly Jack Benny, Rochester, Dennis Day, George Burns and Gracie Allen, Baby Snooks, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow, Mr. Magoo, Gerald McBoingboing etc.

A B C DEF G H-IJ-K-LM N-O PQ-RS TU-V-WX-Y Z and Miscellaneous

PRE 1900

The following is more Trivia than nostalgia - an explanation of where common words, phrases, and customs came from.

Listen to what it was really like in the 16th century: (Martha Stewart would have a snit)

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June although they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide their body odor.

Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets, dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats and bugs lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed; so they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful, big 4-poster beds with canopies.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors which in the winter would get slippery when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold."

They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew then leave it overnight and start again the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers--a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth". Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead ("dead drunk") and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the round and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence, on the "graveyard shift," they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer."

14th century: The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey..."), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of posies..."), People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes, ashes, all fall down!")

Tidbits

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

"Race" meant running the fastest.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

Being old, referred to anyone over 20.

The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.

It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot or pea-shooter.

Nobody was prettier than Mom.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a "double dare."

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

War was a card game.

Taking drugs meant orange flavored chewable aspirin.

Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

It took five minutes for the TV to warm up.

Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there.

Practically nobody owned a purebred dog.

A quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus.

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

Girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

Male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free. You didn't pay for air, and, got trading stamps to boot!

Any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

It was a great treat to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents but embarrasing to be seen with them.

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did!

Being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

This is a little trip down memory lane ... Close your eyes .... and go back ... before the Internet or the MAC, before semi automatics and crack. Before chronic and indo, before SEGA or Super Nintendo. Way back ........ I'm talkin' about hide-and-go-seek at dusk, and kick the can in the middle of the street Sittin' on the porch; hot bread right out of the oven and cold butter. The Good Humor man; Red light, Green light. Chocolate milk, lunch tickets, penny candy in a brown paper bag. Playin' pinball in the corner store. Hopscotch, butterscotch, double Dutch jacks, kick ball, dodge ball, y'all! Mother May I? Red Rover and Roly Poly. Hula hoops and sunflower seeds, Jolly Ranchers, banana splits, wax lips and mustaches, Boston Baked Beans, Lemonheads, Alexander the Grapes, Sugar Daddies, Chico Sticks. Running through the sprinkler, the smell of the sun and lickin' salty lips.

Wait ...... Watchin' Saturday morning cartoons, Fat Albert, Road Runner, He-Man, The Three Stooges, and Bugs; watchin' Kung Fu Theatre. Or back further, listening to Superman on the radio. Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar, playin sling shot. When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere. Bedtime, climbing trees, an ice cream cone on a warm summer night, chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe butter pecan, a cherry coke from the fountain at the corner drug store. A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers. Cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, sittin on the curb. Jumpin down the steps, jumpin on the bed, pillow fights. Laying on the lawn when you were all sweaty and getting itchy

Running 'till you were out of breath.

Remember these?  Can you think of any others?
"Fender skirts!" What a great blast from the past! I hadn't thought about fender skirts in years. When I was a kid, I considered it such a funny term. Made me think of a car in a dress.

Thinking about fender skirts started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs."

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.

You kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore -- "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered their hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cackled. I guess it's just "bra" now ."Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.

It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper -- "divorce." And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure '60s word I came across the other day -- "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss -- "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLuxe." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most -- "supper."

Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

Witicisms (?)

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a body part for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day *24 beers in a case*--coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look.

For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Families are like fudge, mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

The four stages of life:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

According to Jeff Foxworthy, you're not a kid anymore WHEN...

You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
You enjoy watching the news.
The phone rings and you hope its not for you.
The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
People ask what color your hair USED to be.
You're proud of your lawnmower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.
You start singing along with the elevator music.
You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
Your car has four doors.
You routinely check the oil in your car.
You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style--TWICE.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
8 AM is your idea of "sleeping in".
You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.
You write thank you notes without being told.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
Others ask for your recipes.
You start Christmas shopping in August.
You paint walls for a reason other than getting your rent deposit back.
You don't like to drive after dark.
You say the words "Turn that music down!"
You wear black socks with sandals.
You point out what buildings used to be where.
You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
You rake the yard without being told to.
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.

My own favorite just happened. I had a great idea to add to this but I forgot what it was. Funny thing is - it doesn't matter anymore.

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.  We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our
bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)  As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.  Riding in the back
of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.  We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.  Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and
butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.  We shared one soft drink with four friends,
from one bottle, and no  one actually died from this. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we
forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.  We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as
we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable! We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64,
X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal   computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke
bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?  We had fights and
punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told
it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.  We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the
door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with
disappointment.  Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors!  Tests were not adjusted
for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.  The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.  They actually
sided with the law. Imagine that!  This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.  The past 50 years have
been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.  We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of
them!  Congratulations.

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